Living with an alcoholic 22 Mar 2010

Been stressing about my life and hoped blogging about it would help me understand it more.

I fell in love with an alcoholic. When I first met him I did not realize the extent of his drinking. One of our first few dates we went out, had some drinks and later that evening he was praising the porcelain god. I thought he was a lightweight. Apparently I was wrong.

My father was an alcoholic. I never saw him drunk but he HAD to drink every day. I remember as a young girl he was showing his hand shake because he didn't have a drink yet. Once I became an adult and realized the affects drinking has on people I knew I didn't want to live with that in my life. Unfortunately, things don't always work out the way you plan them.

I've been with Kyle for a year and a half now. My son left for the army 2 yrs ago and my daughter is driving now and hardly see her anymore. I felt like meeting Kyle was a blessing in disguise. I would consider myself a co-dependent. I hate, hate, hate being alone. When my son left I went through a major depressive mode. I have been a single mother for the majority of my kids lives and feel I've been a good mother for the most part. Of course I feel there are some things I could have done differently if given the chance but I think any parent who cares deeply for their children wishes they could do some things differently.

Now my children are moving on with their lives. I felt blessed to have met someone who shares similar interests as me and loves to explore, be active and have fun like I do. I have dated some not so pleasant people as a single mother. That would be the part that I wish I could have done differently in my life. I wish I didn't expose my kids to most of the drama I did with past boyfriends. Yes, the drinking with Kyle does stress me out but the drama stays between us for the most part and is not shown in front of my kids which I'm grateful for.

I have looked at pros/cons of being with an alcoholic. Yes, he drinks. He drinks too much. He drinks every day. And every once in awhile he can get pretty obnoxious. I like drinking. I am more of a social drinker though. When I do drink I like to get a really good buzz going on and then maintain. I can't imagine doing this every day though. It's hard for me to say "you can't drink" when I like to partake myself.

Last night Kyle watched CSPAN all day for the health care reform debate. After all was voted on and he had some drinks in him, he decided he wanted to get into politics. He went on and on about how they needed younger generations to run. He wanted me to join him in his quest to get into politics. I told him to talk to me when he was sober. I thought it was enough to get him to shut it but no... he kept on and on and on and on. We went to bed at about 11pm. He fell asleep and started to snore. I had to nudge him to get him to roll over at about 1am. Thats when he started again about how we needed to get into politics again!

I argued with him that I wasn't able to fall asleep yet and I was tired. He continued for a few more minutes until I got really irritable with him and told him that this was the reason I didn't want to work. I retired from the military in December. My last year I had a very difficult time making it into work because he would get into these moods and keep me up. I had an hour drive to work every day and would be so exhausted going in because of lack of sleep. I got another job after retirement that I recently quit. He likes staying up all night and I like my sleep. I figured if I'm not working I could handle the late nights. Thankfully I don't need to work since I have a pension and no bills to speak of. It isn't a whole lot of money but enough. But after telling him why I won't work he stormed out and said he could settle the problem and when into one of the extra bedrooms to sleep.

I feel constant anxiety after days/nights like last night. I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder so I have a prescription to deal with it. I can keep it under control for the most part but when stress gets to be too much I do have more difficulty dealing with it.

Anyway, I don't expect much from creating this blog. I need a way to cope with what I'm going through and maybe other people who have been through similar or are going through similar will be able to relate and share their feelings/thoughts.

I do know living in constant stress is not healthy. I have been in ALMOST every unhealthy relationship imaginable. I've been beaten up, cheated on, conned. I also have a pretty positive outlook on life considering what I've been through too. Even though I've experienced these types of relationships I feel if I've learned from them I've gained something so I don't regret any of it.

I've also bailed on relationships too easily. Unfortunately I have had too many men in/out of my life and the past 10 years or so have tried to work things out more than I did in the past only to prolong the inevitable. I don't feel that this relationship is headed in the same direction. Yes, I do sometimes think of leaving but when I think of it - it is in a hope that he will quit drinking on his own. I guess I picture him quitting drinking because he wants to be with me more than he wants his drink. Hopeful thinking? I don't know. My worst fear is that he does not want me back.

Well, this is enough for today... going to take a Klonopin and try to relax now.